See this man? This is your President. Some of you might not think he's "your" president because he doesn't look like you. Rest assured, he is. Since January 2009, he's done a lot of work keeping this country from hurling itself off the fiscal and socioeconomic cliff and dashing itself onto the rocky shores of austerity and insanity. This is in spite of an entire political opposition that apparently wants the country to do just that.
Here's all of the things this man has done since 2009, courtesy of The PCTC Blog. The man works hard. He's grayed tremendously since starting this job. That's a sign of
See this man? This is not your President, although he really, really wants to be your president. That would be a bad idea. He's supported by a political opposition that's dedicated the past four years to pissing on the president's head. They don't like him. They really, really don't like him. But they like this guy. Sorta. At least they like him enough that they're using ballots for playing cards, making them disappear like magic. They reappear in garbage cans. No one knows how or why. Do not vote for this man.
This man is a consummate liar. He likes lying a lot. In fact, he's lied so much about so many things that people are now wondering whether his ethereal form actually occupies a bizzaro-world where every single one of the man's lies are actually truth. Perhaps he's a very honest man in that world. If you asked this man if he took a poo last night, he'd probably lie about that, too. Do not vote for this man.
This man isn't all that concerned about the poor, those living from paycheck to paycheck or those barely in the ranks of the middle class. Those are not "people." Corporations are people. This man isn't all that comfortable campaigning around poor people, especially poor people who hate the president for some odd reason. He needs their votes, even if they reek of Natural Ice, Tyson's pre-cooked hot wings and strong flatulence. Do not vote for this man.
He doesn't like being questioned. Or people looking up his tax information. Or people wondering why he has to keep his money in the Cayman Islands, away from America and all the poor people. When asked why did he give thousands of jobs to poor people in Mexico when poor people in America could have had those jobs, he shrugged, smiled and muttered something about "free markets." He calls himself a "job creator." Most of those jobs involve a 2,000-mile commute across ocean. Do not vote for this man.
He doesn't like women. Actually, the political opposition that supports him doesn't like women. I'm pretty sure he's ambivalent about them, although he once claimed to have
If you are a woman, a poor person, minority or any other ordinary American, do not vote for this man. This man is bad and the political opposition supporting him are worse. They are not good people. They will throw the country off the fiscal and socioeconomic cliff and clink wine glasses as the country splatters into bloody chunks on the rocks below.
This is a ballot box. This is where your vote goes. Yours may not look exactly like this, but that's okay. A nice group of people are supposed to count these and tally up the scores, so another group of nice people can be elected and vote for one of these men. Some people would rather use them for magic card tricks. Others want to keep you away from the box, period. Don't let those people keep you away. Even old ladies are determined to get to the ballot box. Don't get outdone by an old lady.
Don't stay at home, either. The nice mailman won't pick up your ballots anymore and watching the nice people count votes on TV without your vote being there sucks. Go to the ballot box and vote.
The above is a public service announcement from Mack Lyons, sole proprietor of Different Day, Same Shit, formerly a Fortune 500 company until someone at Fortune realized it was not an actual company. These things happen a lot.