• Lady Anne Retires To Her Chambers.

    Lady Anne Romney, the ceremonially ordained help meet of The Most Noble Willard Milton Romney of the Massachusetts Commonwealth, aspirant to the position of Chief Administrator of the American Republic, has officially retired to her chambers after a most unfortunate episode involving herself and the ungrateful peasantry littering the countryside.

    Previously, Lady Anne suffered a bout of exhaustion while condemning the odious actions of the peasantry made against the Honorable and Right-Leaning Noble, who only sought to look after the interests of the impoverished common peoples in addition to his own. After taking to a nearby fainting couch, she bravely ventured alongside her husband, the ever-noble Sir Willard, into the desolate wilds of Omaha. Omaha's better known for being the only place where a noble cannot find a decent steak, despite the presence of a nearby plant that specializes in delivering horsemeat to starving peasants nationwide, with said meats labeled as "steaks."

    "Good thing we didn't bring Rafalca along for this journey," noted Sir Willard, who made a mental note of where to send the currently healthy dressage horse for a "dignified retirement" when the time came.

    Unfortunately, the controversy surrounding her attempts to put the savage peasantry in their proper place caused her servants to abruptly cancel many of her scheduled appearances and interviews with cheaply dressed and foul-smelling common reporters. As soon as House Romney makes its return to the commonwealth, Lady Anne plans to retire to her chambers for the duration of Sir Willard's campaign for the position of Chief Administrator of the American Republic.

    Meanwhile, peasants in the inconsequential territory known as Iowa have already begun the process of voting, which apparently entails hitting themselves with hammers. Votes are tallied by the local bloodletter counting the number of lumps that appear on the voter's head after being struck -- one lump for the treacherous liar-in-chief, Baraq Hussein Superallah Obama al-Kenya, two lumps for an "independent" candidate consisting of a straw-stuffed scarecrow with a picture of the trickster outlaw Ron Paul and three or more lumps for Sir Willard.

    The day nearly turned uglier than usual when one of Sir Willard's campaign aides was found wantonly attacking voters with a hammer. When interrogated, she claimed that she merely wanted to "move the voting process forward in her lord's favor." She was later slaughtered and turned into a lovely assortment of "Omaha Steaks."