• Of Mice, Men and Lemonade Stands.

    Obama can’t run a lemonade stand.
    - Average Republican
    This is the refrain many Republicans currently use to criticize the president's business skills or supposed lack thereof. Which is odd, since we hired this guy to be a President, not the CEO of a major corporation. Besides, there are plenty of incompetent CEOs who've had to be cashed out like a poker chip before they did any more damage to the companies they were running.

    Personally, I blame Kelly Ayotte and Ranch Prius Reince Priebus:

    "In both the private sector and as governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney always asked, 'How can I help small businesses grow, innovate and compete?' It is the right question and it's a question that this administration never thinks to ask.

    "But why should we be surprised? President Obama has never even run a lemonade stand. And you know what? It shows."

    Mitt Romney's idea of helping small businesses grow, innovate and compete is to ship them off to China and other low-wage countries...wait, that's not growth. Or innovation. And the only competition is between China-based companies exporting yet another round of finished goods to eager, yet unemployed U.S. consumers.

    But then, I got to thinking: what would it be like if, as a prerequisite for consideration as president, each presidential candidate had to run his own lemonade stand on a small budget for about a week? Every candidate starts out with a small supply of lemonade mix, ice, cups and straws. The candidates must pull their customers from the local area - no TV, newspaper or internet promotions, so there are no pilgrimages from people who just want to see their guy win. Nope, this shit will be organic.

    Each candidate gets to create their own lemonade stand with their own design and business plan, plus they'll be responsible for making, promoting and selling the lemonade themselves. Independent bookkeepers and business analysts will tally up the profits and the guy with the best sales numbers and strongest profits wins.

    So how will it go?

    Well, you probably wouldn't have to worry about President Obama. He probably can't run a lemonade stand at first, but he'll probably figure it out using common sense. His years spent as a community organizer and his excellent people skills will win him customers based on excellent customer service alone. His reasonable prices will probably have them coming back again and again.

    Meanwhile, Mitt Romney will attempt to create a gourmet lemonade by cutting back on the powered mix, resulting in a product that tastes more like watered down sports drink than actual lemonade. It would still sell, but then Mitt gets the idea to jack up the price past Vitamin Water levels. His artificial customer interaction skills and his open contempt of those who can't afford to buy his product will result in few sales. As he gets bored and decides he's needed at some $500 per plate fundraising dinner, he'll attempt to outsource running the lemonade stand to some Chinese kid down the block, promising to pay him a penny for each cup sold. When the poor kid fails to reach sales quota thanks to shitty product and no customers, Mitt will fire him without pay.

    In short, there's more to being a president of these United States than just having business leadership skills. The best businessman in the world can be the world's worst president - there are just too many aspects of the job that require nuances that are far beyond anything found in the business world. For example, exactly how would a CEO who hasn't spent a day in the political arena smooth out the fallout from "Innocence of Muslims"?

    Perhaps we should just leave the lemonade stands to the kids. They could use the experience and pocket change, after all.