Sir Willard Milton Romney, seen here shortly before dodging yet another rancid meat pie assault from disgruntled peasants.
The Most Noble Willard Milton Romney of the Massachusetts Commonwealth, aspirant to the position of Chief Administrator of the American Republic, embarked upon a journey to the old Anglo-Saxon lands from whence he and his royal lineage hailed. The first stop on his expedition was the home of the long-reduced Commonwealth of Great Britain, where he would attend the internationally-known spectacle that was the XXX Olympiad, held in several quarters of London that were forcefully requisitioned from the local peasantry for this very purpose.
Before his departure, Sir Willard attempted to form common bond with the Anglo-Saxon peoples of both lands, rallying the Anglo-Saxons to arms against the much-loathed "leader" of the American Republic, the treacherous Marxist Usurper in chief, Baraq Hussein Superallah Obama al-Kenya. Sir Willard explained how the loathsome "leader" did not have the same special relationship with the Anglo-Saxon peoples, citing his "left-wing coolness" as a sign of hostility towards the historic group. Afterwards, a peasant of swarthy complexion attempted to assassinate the noble by unleashing several crates of rabid poultry. Sir Willard bravely escaped this attempt on his life, blaming the treacherous usurper for once again seeking to defeat his bid for Chief Administrator.
Upon his arrival, Sir Willard was feted at a special reception held in his honor by the administrators of the city and nation. It was here where he feasted on the finest of cheeses, wines and specially prepared "hoagies" airlifted at great expense from an "awawas," as he's become quite fond of the uniquely created foodstuffs. He was also on hand to view the curious spectacle of runners carrying a torch throughout the city, something he planned on having his servants replicate upon his return to his estate in the Massachusetts Commonwealth. He pondered how amusing it would be if he simply forwent the torch and had the servant set on fire instead.
However, all was not well, as the nobleman unknowingly created a series of terrible impasses during his time in Britain. During an interview with common newscaster Brian Williams regarding the XXX Olympiad's security, Sir Willard questioned the nation's readiness and its commitment to the Games, as he had yet to see any genuinely amusing sporting events like the 100 meter peasant toss, the 300 meter death dash or any sort of gladiator-type deathmatches. He was also disappointed how none of the constables charged with clearing out and keeping out the rabble had bothered to make examples by placing the heads of disobedient and disloyal peasants on spikes. His displeasure prompted a major outcry from the peasantry across the United Kingdom, causing consternation from the ruling class of the nation:
“It’s hard to know just how well it will turn out,” Sir Willard said about the London Olympics. “There are a few things that were disconcerting. The stories about the private security firm not beating enough peasants, the supposed disloyalty of the common help, the fact that there weren't enough French cheeses at the fete — that obviously is not something which is encouraging. Even the motorcade didn't have enough wine on hand. Someone please fetch me a handkerchief.”
“Do the rabble actually come together and celebrate the Olympic moment, or do they just keep throwing rancid meat pies or whatever at one another? That’s something which we only find out and have a good chuckle over once the Games actually begin.”
While Sir Willard was dismayed by the lack of necessary violence on part of the security forces, he was impressed by the deployment of missiles upon various rooftops throughout the area. Presumably these will be used to thwart the evil machinations of the socialist, Marxist usurper.
Lord David Cameron, currently in service to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II as the chief administrator and prime minister to the Commonwealth of Great Britain, reassured Sir Willard that there would be a greater stock of French cheeses and fine wine on later outings, but cautioned him not to make disparaging remarks of the Games in public, as it would further upset and enrage the peasantry, many of them armed with spoiled fruits, rancid meat pies and other unfortunate examples of British culinary cuisine.
Away from prying eyes and in the comfort of his specially prepared gin room, Lord Cameron was less than charitable with his remarks, according to a servant who was pressed into service as a footstool:
"We are holding an Olympic Games in one of the busiest, most active, bustling cities in the world, you bloody wanker. Of course it's easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of a cornfield or whatever," alluding to Sir Willard's contributions to the Winter Olympiad held in his native Utah, which does not have corn*.
Meanwhile, the chief city administrator, initially mistaken as yet another rancid meat pie-carrying commoner, received word of Sir Willard's misguided commentary and thus rallied the already agitated peasants to fervor:
"Some toff by the name of Willard's goin' around callin' us a bunch of 'rancid pie-eating bastids.' We're the greatest fookin' city in the world and we gonna take that from some pompous tosser? Fook no! Are we ready to hold the greatest fookin' games in the bloody world! Fook yes!"
The chief city administrator, later identified as one "Boris Johnson," directed the crowd to toss their rancid meat pies and rotten fruits at a massive poster of Sir Willard Milton Romney, creating a stench that caused nearby nobles to take to their fainting couches for the remainder of the day. The peasants were later taken care of.
Alarmed by the consternation caused by his comments and the very real threat of being pelted with meat pies and murdered by rabid poultry, Sir Willard attempted to allay the peasantry with a boilerplate platitude designed to put the peasantry at rest, or at least get them to be angry about something else:
"I am very delighted with the prospects of a highly successful Olympic Games. What I have seen shows imagination and forethought and a lot of organisation from the peasants, something I wouldn't have dreamed of in a million lifetimes. Great work, peasants." The noble gave something vaguely resembling a "thumbs up" sign, fearing it would be misinterpreted as a gang sign or some such that would cause the local touts to take up arms. "I expect the Games to be highly successful, just as soon as I have my French cheeses."
Nevertheless, the uncouth Democrat delegations in America attempted to make light of Sir Willard's missteps, as addled minds such as theirs are wont to do. Meanwhile, the First "Lady" of the American Republic, the treacherous Marxist usurper's "baby mother" in colored street parlance, attempted to upstage Sir Willard by holding an interview done entirely in a "hip-hop" pantomime of some sort, further lowering the nation's already precarious international standing.
Sir Willard hopes the remainder of his expedition will be as uneventful as the time he and Lady Anne embarked on their honeymoon.
* But it does have Mormons, and that's okay.
